


Splintered and Battered

by mimiwriteswords



Series: Needle & Thread [4]
Category: The Flash (TV 2014)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, F/M, Feelings, Heartache, Late Night Conversations, Older Man/Younger Woman, Pain, Unresolved Romantic Tension, cold powers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-07
Updated: 2020-03-07
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:41:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23054893
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mimiwriteswords/pseuds/mimiwriteswords
Summary: But in the rush of trying to fix her, no one has asked her what it feels like to have these powers.
Relationships: Caitlin Snow/Earth-2 Harrison "Harry" Wells
Series: Needle & Thread [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1621186
Comments: 7
Kudos: 24





	Splintered and Battered

**Author's Note:**

> Here is Part 4! This one is set after 3x13 and the title is taken from "Front Porch" by Joy Williams.
> 
> And as always, thank you for the encouragement, J. The only reason I wrote this much dialogue is because you inspired me to do so.

Caitlin walked through the S.T.A.R Labs parking lot, her strides swift and quiet. It was late and she could make out the faint noise of the night time traffic from the nearest street. She breathed in the fresh scent of the night as she glanced upward and saw the dark clouds threatening to drench Central City with rain. Pulling the hood of her jacket over her head, she hastened her steps and made it to the front entrance of S.T.A.R Labs just as it started to pour. She pulled out her key card, swiped it through the card reader and waited for the faint click of the door allowing her to enter the building.

She was engulfed by darkness as soon as she stepped in. If she hadn’t seen S.T.A.R Labs numerous times before in this state, she would have been terrified to be here alone in the dead of the night. But she welcomed the silence and the darkness as she made her way towards her lab. She felt wide awake despite the day- and the night - she had experienced and the conversation she had shared with Julian over dinner had sparked some ideas. She had found it hard to concentrate on his stories, but thankfully was able to use the excuse of a long day to end the evening earlier than he might have intended. He had been understanding enough and didn’t try to convince her to stay for dessert. 

If nothing else, she could appreciate his consideration.

Julian liked her. She could tell by the way his eyes trailed over her, the way he fumbled through his words when he spoke to her and his willingness to help her get rid of her powers. And also the fact that he had asked her out to dinner a few hours ago and had given her a noncommittal nod when she emphasized that they were going “as friends”. She liked him well enough as a person and in spite of his terrible bedside manner, he was talented and had an encyclopedic knowledge of metahuman science. She needed his expertise and she was willing to look past his prickly demeanor to get that help. As far as she knew, there was not going to be anything romantic between them. She was extremely determined to keep her distance from him since she had hurt him before and she most certainly did not want to repeat it. In fact, she constantly felt that way when she was around Team Flash. She always had to give herself a pep talk everytime she had to patch Barry or Wally up when they were hurt. She had to work extra hard to keep herself focused at the task on hand and not be distracted by the quiet presence of her powers, humming just below the surface.

She would never be able to forgive herself if she hurt them….even if it were by mistake.

The elevator dinged, sounding much louder in the quiet of the night. She made her way to the cortex, using her sense of direction to guide her in the dark. She spoke under her breath, hoping she could remember what Julian had talked about during dinner. She hoped desperately that he had given her something of significance and wasn’t just fueled by the alcohol he had been consuming. He had tried to convince her to drink as well but she rarely touched alcohol these days, as she was uncertain how it would affect her powers.

She stopped short just as she reached the entrance to the cortex. It might have been her recently developed sensibilities but she could tell, even in the dark, that someone was in the cortex. Perhaps it was Cisco, she wondered. It seemed unlikely that Cisco would sit around in the dark, especially in silence. He was quite prone to singing out loud when working by himself. She heard a sound and wondered briefly if she should be sending out an alert to Team Flash. It must be HR, she thought, he did like to work on his novels in the cortex after everyone was gone for the day. She walked as quietly as she could and entered the cortex.

She let out a gasp, her heart skipping a beat, as she took in the scene in front of her.

He had been standing with his back to her but turned around swiftly when he heard her gasp. He winced at his quick movement, clutching just under his left rib. He looked like an apparition, standing in the darkened room with one lamp lending an almost heavenly glow. She blinked twice just to make sure he was in fact _not_ an apparition and realized that his upper body was clad in only a black, sleeveless undershirt. Out of the corner of her eye, she noticed that he was holding his usual black shirt in his other hand.

“Snow.” He whispered, hoarsely.

His voice snapped her out of her reverie. She realized, with considerable embarrassment that she had been staring. She also realized that he was in pain. 

“Are you hurt?” She asked, walking towards him and shrugging off her jacket on the way. She peered up at him as his face which had now turned into a mild scowl.

“It’s just an ache, I thought I might slap some ice on it. No need to fuss.” His words had no bearing on her whatsoever, as she nodded her head towards the med bay. 

“Let me look at it and then we’ll decide if we can “slap” some ice on it.” 

He looked thoroughly unimpressed with her cheeky comment and she almost wanted to laugh out loud.

“C’mon.” She gestured towards the med bay again but also gave him a gentle push in that direction.

“I don’t think I remember you being this high handed before.” He grumbled.

She chuckled lightly, following him and snapped on a pair of gloves as she watched him settle down on the bed with his back towards her. She lifted his shirt to examine the bruise he had been clutching. It’s dark against the rest of his pale skin but not enough to alarm her. It looks like it should be healed soon but as she touches his skin, he hisses and instinctively moves out of her reach and then back again.

“It doesn’t look so bad. You’re on the mend.” She says, lowering his shirt.

“Told you it was nothing.”

“It’s not nothing.” She counters, more sternly than she intends to. “You should have let me look at it earlier. When did you get it?”

“Who knows? It could have been anytime in the past week or so.”

“You don’t remember?” She asks. He turns on the bed until he’s facing her and shakes his head. “It could have been broken ribs or you might have been bleeding internally. You should have told me.”

“I was so focused on seeing Jessie again. And Barry was the one who was seriously injured. By the time you were done with him this evening, I felt fine.”

“That’s no excuse, Harry. You -”

“Snow.” He cuts her off. He runs a hand over his face, and looks at her, his gaze intense. “I appreciate the concern but I’m _fine_.”

His voice is as deep as usual but something in his tone tells her that they are done discussing this. She’s level with him since he’s sitting down and his eyes are boring into hers. She’s suddenly aware of how close she’s standing to him- almost between his slightly opened legs. Her gaze lowers taking in his broad shoulders and for the first time this evening, she notices the definition of his arms- lean and yet strong. She spies a myriad of freckles on his right arm and wonders what they would feel like under the pads of her fingers. She can feel the heat rising in her face and she hopes to God she isn’t blushing. She looks back up at him and his eyes look darker than usual as he continues to peer down at her. She swallows, taking a step back and snaps off her gloves.

“Do you want a painkiller?” 

“That’s my painkiller right there.” He nods his head towards the cortex as he slips his full sleeved shirt on. She turns around and sees a bottle of scotch on the desk and looks back at him. No wonder his eyes look so glassy, she thinks. She leans in towards him again and can smell the faint odour of alcohol. It's not enough to worry her- in fact it almost smells pleasant as it mingles with his scent. 

“You’re not serious, I hope?”

“Hey, I’ve been held captive by some crazy gorillas. I think I’m allowed a drink or two.” He shifts his body to the edge of the bed, leaning in towards her and she has to suck in a breath as her view is consumed by his blue eyes. He steps off the bed, making his way to the cortex. 

“You want one?” He asks, pouring the amber liquid into a glass. 

“No.” 

He turns around to look at her as she leans against the doorway to the med bay. He takes a sip and leans on the desk, his feet crossed at the ankles. It was such a familiar stance, as if from a long forgotten dream, that her heart clenches at the sight.

“Thank you for coming to save me.”

“You’re welcome. You did the same for me.”

It can be so disarming to see him smile but he does so in that moment, no doubt remembering their previous adventure with Grodd. It was the night that, as she sees it, allowed them to trust in each other. He takes another sip, the smile slipping from his face and she instantly knows what he’s going to say next. She braces herself internally, hoping that her anxiety is not evident on her face.

“So you have cold powers.” 

She sighs, almost glad that he never has any preamble to these kinds of conversations. She’s especially glad that he brought it up since something else has been weighing on her mind.

“But you already knew that, didn’t you?”

He takes another sip, never breaking eye contact with her.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” She continues. 

“I did.” He retorts. “I told you could have come to me if you needed help.”

She feels her breath catch in her throat as she remembers the words that he had said to her months ago. 

“I meant, why didn’t you say anything to anyone else?” She tries her best to keep her voice devoid of the emotions she feels building inside her. 

“Oh.” He looks down at the floor as if contemplating his words carefully. He looks back up at her. “It was not my place to say anything.”

She nods at him, appreciating his honesty and discretion, but can still feel the uneasiness inside her rising. 

“What does it feel like?” 

His words- said in a quiet and almost reverent way- make something in her ache. It's been months of grappling with her powers both privately and now publicly with her friends and yet no one has asked her this. She knows that her friends are scared for her and if she’s being honest, she is well aware that they are scared of her too. She doesn’t blame them, she too is terrified of what she could become. They love her and stand by her, fighting hard to find something that could cure her. But in the rush of trying to fix her, no one has asked her what it feels like to have these powers. She almost doesn’t know what to tell him but she takes a breath in, closing her eyes and giving voice to this new side of her. 

“It _feels_ cold. I can feel the temperature drop in every inch of my body. I feel...It’s as if something turns in my mind and I’m not me anymore. It’s like I’m here but not really.”

She snaps her eyes open to find that he’s standing only a few feet from her.

“It feels like I could hurt someone very easily.” She whispers into the space between them.

“Have you?”

She thinks about Barry and the icicle she jammed into his leg, Julian and the frostbite on his arm and, shuddering slightly, she thinks of Cisco’s vibe into the future. The very thought that she could- she _might_ \- someday in the future hurt the person closest to her keeps her up at night.

“Yes.” 

He takes a step backwards and she feels hurt, genuinely so, at him retreating from her. But all he does is reach for the bottle and pour himself another drink. She sighs in relief, and wonders when she became so sensitive to rejection. She watches him take a sip, his eyes closed, and the urgency of it concerns her.

“You’re drinking a lot.”

He lets out a laugh, cold and biting. “Trust me, this is not a lot for me.”

He’s looking down at his glass and she’s struck by how much he looks like when he had first arrived on this Earth- worn down, bitter, and lonely. She wonders how his life has been for the past few months. Something must have been wrong with him or else why would he willingly go charging towards sentient gorillas? He had seemed so full of hope when he had spoken to her about the direction he had planned to take his S.T.A.R Labs. That day is burned into her memory- even at times when she wished she didn’t remember it. She had to stop wearing that lab coat after he left. It’s hanging somewhere in the back of her closet at home. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

“You look like you could use one too.” He says, gesturing to the bottle.

“Allright, then.”

He snags a cup that is sitting next to the computer, pours her a generous helping and gives the cup to her. Their hands brush briefly and he falters a little. He must feel the cold because he’s looking at her like he wants to mention it but she beats him to it.

“My skin is colder than it used to be, even when I’m not fully Killer Frost.”

“Killer Frost?” He says, ignoring the topic of her skin’s temperature all together. “That’s the name you are going with? Was that Ramon’s brilliant idea?” 

“No, it wasn’t. But it makes sense, doesn’t it? I’m her.” She says, waving her hand at herself, in a downward motion.

“No, it doesn’t.” He counters. She’s baffled by his reaction enough to wonder if he is drunk. 

“You are not her, Snow.” He continues. “She was a completely different person. You are nothing like her.”

His eyes are blazing and his words are a little too emphatic for her to gloss over.

“Did you know her?”

“Everyone on my Earth did.” His voice remains the same but she can see the slightest clenching in his jaw. She discovered his tell many months ago and she watches as his sharp jawline seems even more pronounced.

“That’s not what I asked.” She remarks, watching as he looks away from her briefly, running his hand through his hair.

“Our paths crossed.”

She raises an eyebrow at him and it has the desired effect as his resolve breaks. 

“Ok, yes. I knew her very briefly. She was a bit of a prodigy, even as a medical student. She was brilliant. Not unlike yourself.” He adds, gesturing towards her. “And then she took all that brilliance, shoved it down the drain and turned into Killer Frost. So no, Snow, it doesn't make sense that you think that you are like her.”

She looks at the cup he handed to her and takes a sip, feeling the liquid burn it’s way down her throat. She can almost feel the instant buzz of the alcohol, having been abstaining from it for the better part of the year. She wonders why it is so easy for her to break her rules and share a drink with him when she couldn’t do the same with Julian, just a few hours ago. She takes another sip as she remembers her encounter with Killer Frost in Zoom’s lair.

“Her brother died and her mother turned cold.” She says, looking back at him. He looks a little surprised at this new piece of information. “My father died and my mother turned cold. I lost people I loved and I felt something in me turn cold. Much before these powers happened. What if this was always going to happen to me?”

He shakes his head. “Similar experiences don't make you the same person.”

“Really? Because it seems like our lives- hers and mine- are going in the same trajectory. We keep losing people and that turns us into monsters.”

“Don’t, Snow…” 

“I don’t want to be her. I don’t want people to see her when they see me. But I can’t help it. I can’t help that this is who I am now. That this is who I have turned into.” She is dangerously close to crying, but she can’t even be bothered to disguise it at this point. He has, after all, seen her in a much worse state. 

He has watched her patiently, taking in every word she had said. He puts down his glass and walks over to her and stops when he is less than a foot away from her. She watches, bewildered, as he places his hands on her shoulders and she instantly feels the warmth of his hands through her shirt. Her mind takes her back to the moment in the Speed Lab as she remembers the feels of his hands on the back of her neck and when they traveled, at a leisurely pace, down her arms. She has to shake her head to get rid of the memory as he’s peering down at her.

“Do you think of him when you see me?”

“What are you…”

“Snow.” He says, giving her the gentlest of shakes. “Do you think of him? Of….your Wells, when you see me?”

She hates that he says “Your Wells' ' because she cannot think of a more inaccurate title for Thawne. She wants to tell him that _he_ is more the team’s Wells than anyone else has ever been but the look on his face is demanding enough that she answers him.

“No. Of course not.” She answers. But he’s still gazing down at her and she wonders if he’s asking more out of curiosity and much less to make a point. “Not anymore, Harry. Not for a long time.”

“You may look like her and have the same powers but that is where the similarities end. This is a result of the timeline changing. It’s not _you_.” He squeezes her shoulder briefly and then is walking out of her personal space just as quickly as he entered it. 

The weight of his words settle on her as she watches him sit down on the chair behind the desk. He slides the chair a little so that he is facing her and she finds herself moving towards him. She doesn’t sit next to him but instead chooses to lean on the desk. She is aware that their proximity is unusually intimate but she can’t be bothered with etiquette this late at night, especially when no one else is around to witness.

“I’m trying to get rid of them.”

He stops- the glass halfway to lips- and gives her a look, mouth set and eyebrows raised.

“Your powers?” There is a hint of condescension in his voice. 

“Yes. We- me and Julian- have been working on it for a few weeks.”

He scoffs, shaking his head and takes a swig from his glass. 

“How’s that going for you?”

“Not good.” She says, feeling tense at his thinly veiled disapproval. “But Julian’s expertise is very promising. He gave me an idea at dinner that I wanted to jot down, which is why I came back here.” She gestures to her lab, which is cloaked in darkness.

“Are you dating?”

“Umm...what?” 

“You and Indiana. Are you dating?” She’s taken aback at his brusque tone and even more so at the question. They have known each other for a long time and while there is an ease to their relationship, they have very rarely ventured into the realm of romantic relationships. Atleast, not like this. 

“No, we are not.”

“But he would like to be?” He’s not looking at her anymore, his gaze is focused at the bottom of his glass.

“It doesn’t matter.” 

“He didn’t come to Earth 2 for me.” He finally looks up at her, shooting her a pointed look. She knows what he is implying. Julian said so himself when they were locked in the cages.

“He is…” She tries to find the right words, without betraying Julian’s confidence. He has feelings for her after all, and she doesn’t take that lightly, even if she cannot reciprocate them. “He is looking for something I cannot give him. And it will be safer for him not to be romantically entangled with me. ”

He raises an eyebrow at her, his silent way of asking her to elaborate.

“I hurt him.” She says, quietly as the shame of her actions wash over her. “When my powers first went out of control, I kidnapped him and…. Well, long story short, he ended up in the hospital because I gave him frostbite.”

The silence hangs in the air and she wonders how many more of her demons she’s going to show him tonight.

“So you are also spending time with him because you...feel guilty?” 

It’s quite jarring to think that he knows certain parts of her this well. She looks down at her cup, swirling the amber liquid aimlessly, and nods.

“Perhaps, I should have let you give me frostbite.”

She snaps her head up to look at him. He’s leaning forward slightly, his arms resting on his knees. He has a little smirk on his face but his eyes are terrifyingly intense with mirth and something else she had seen in them months ago. He has to be drunk, she thinks, there is no way he would say this sober. She knows her face is blushing a deep red colour because his smirk grows ever so slightly as he watches her.

“You are all kinds of brave tonight.” She says, hoping desperately that her heart would stop beating so wildly in her chest.

“Just tonight? I saved you from a gorilla, remember?” His voice seems to be deeper, as if that is even possible.

It seems so tempting to flirt back -they could easily continue their battle of wits well into the morning. But something- almost a faint nagging voice in her head- holds her back. Perhaps it’s the alcohol he’s consumed, or that fact that she had spent the evening with another man….or it could be her powers. They seem to have held her back from so much lately and they could be behind her wanting to retreat away from the warm, beautiful glow that he seems to draw her into. 

“I should go.” She says, her plans of doing research long abandoned. She realizes, with much annoyance, that she cannot even remember most of the things she wanted to jot down. The smirk slowly tampers down from his face and as he sighs, she gets the feeling that had it been any other night, he would have asked her to stay. 

Perhaps, she might have said yes.

But he doesn’t ask her and so she finds herself walking through S.T.A.R Labs hallway again. Except this time she’s not thinking about her powers but instead is focused on their conversation. 

The rain is coming down hard and she pulls the hood of her raincoat over her head and runs out into the parking lot. She’s almost halfway through the parking lot when his bruise- dark and purple- suddenly flashes in front of her eyes. He would have gotten an ice park by now, she tells herself, he knows where they are kept. But then she remembered his tired eyes and the way he stared at the bottom of his glass, throwing back drink after drink. Without a second thought, she turns on her heel and heads back to S.T.A.R Labs.

***

She shows up at his door, rain dripping from her coat and ice pack in hand. He barely has time to register her presence, before she shoves the ice pack at him saying, “Here, this will help. Leave it on at least for fifteen- twenty minutes at a time.”

He had looked down at her as she fussed about him. Her hair had been in disarray and there was a lone raindrop against her left cheek. He had been tempted to brush it off with the back of his hand but before he knew it, she was already waving at him and running off into the night. He went back to bed, with the ice pack under his rib and an unexplainable heaviness in his heart.

He woke up early the next day with a splitting headache no doubt due to the ridiculous amounts of alcohol he had consumed. The night flashed in front of his eyes as he sat up straight, and he cringed as he recollected parts of the conversation he had with her. Most of their conversation had been meaningful and relatively tame. Of course he had to ruin that by flirting with her, without any semblance of finesse.

He didn’t anticipate how hard it would be to be in her presence again. The first thing he had seen when he opened his eyes in Gorilla City was her. He hadn't realized that he was waking up from being mind-controlled, he had just figured that somehow he lived a life where the first person he saw when he opened his eyes was Caitlin Snow, smiling down at him in her warm and special way. He felt, for a split second, as if everything was at a standstill. That illusion was shattered not a minute later as he realized what was actually going on.

He had felt grateful all throughout their time in the cages and the subsequent escape, that Team Flash had come to save him. He also felt incredibly guilty that his expedition had led them into this danger. Of course, he felt even more guilty when he thought of the worry Jesse had endured when he had been missing. Their relationship had been mending after the longest rift and somehow, he managed to put her in a position of pain yet again. He had to commend her for going to Team Flash for help and he wasn’t surprised that Barry and even Cisco had come to save him. He was surprised- pleasantly so- that Caitlin had come for him as well.

He had thought about her often over the past few months. He had been so very tempted to reach out to her and find out how she was doing with her powers. He had hoped that she would take him up on his offer and come to Earth-2 for his help. He had even started researching cryo medicine , which was well out of his area of expertise, hoping he could be of some use to her if she showed up to his S.T.A.R. Labs. 

And then she told him last night that she was trying to get rid of her powers with Julian’s help.

He would have liked to say he was jealous when he heard her say that. He had been jealous when HR had first arrived on Earth-1 and had immediately reached for Caitlin’s hand and had announced that he was single. _That_ had been jealousy, strong and powerful coursing through his veins, making him want to shoot HR on the spot. He was well aware that he felt incredibly protective towards Caitlin, and seeing HR approach her so brazenly had only confirmed his beliefs further. 

But hearing that she had chosen to go to Julian for help made any notion of jealousy, compared to this deep ache he felt now, seem childish.

He’s not expecting to be anything to Caitlin in a romantic way. He’s never let his mind go to that place because he knows the best he can offer her is his friendship. And he is _incredibly_ honoured that she had somehow found it in her heart to reciprocate. But that doesn’t change the fact that he wants more. He’s had to watch her fall for Jay the previous year, only to have him break her heart like no one else before. And while Julian doesn’t seem like trouble, it pains him to think that she might really be slipping away from him. She might have stated last night that she wasn’t dating Julian, but it is just a matter of time isn’t it? If not Julian, then she will eventually be with someone else, he thinks. 

It makes him want to reach for the bottle of scotch even though it’s barely eight in the morning.

He remembers this urge, from many years ago. He’s never really known how to cope with his emotions in a healthy way so the bottle has to do. He’s almost reaching for it again when he hears a knock on the door. The knock is measured and gentle and he knows exactly who it is. He shoots up from his bed, not heeding that he is completely shirtless, and opens the door.

She looks as fresh as a daisy. Her hair frames her face in curls and her skin is almost glowing, showing no evidence that she was up till the early hours of the morning consuming alcohol. She wearing one of those dresses again, the ones that make it so hard for him to look away from her but is also absolute _torture_ for him if he keeps looking at her. His gaze lowers taking in the lace fabric covering her neck and looks back up at her only to find that she’s staring at his bare upper body. She had been wearing the same expression last night as well- her eyes impossibly wide as they rove over him.

It’s moments like this when he wonders if she feels the same way about him too. It can’t be possible to be locked in this intense space, feeling this energy around them, if this is one-sided.

Her eyes meet his and it's almost like something snaps her out of it and she says, “ How are you feeling?”

“Besides, the pounding in my head? Just peachy.” He answers, his voice hoarse from lack of use.

“May I see?” She points towards his left rib and on cue, he feels the tenderness in that particular spot, for the first time this morning.

He turns around and feels her move into his space. She touches him gently, her cold hands making him shiver involuntarily. That is when he notices that she’s not wearing gloves. He almost brings it up but stops himself. Who is he to complain if Cailtin Snow is touching his bare skin with her hand?

“It's healing.” She says quietly and with one tender sweep over his bruise, she steps away from him. 

He hums in agreement not willing to break this intimate moment between them. She’s close enough that he can breathe in her familiar scent but far enough that if his daughter walked into the room, it would not raise any eyebrows. He turns around sharply at the thought of Jesse and can see the sudden surprise on Caitlin’s face.

“Jesse..Where is she?” He can feel the panic rising in his throat. “I need to know where she is!”

“She’s in the cortex with Cisco and Wally.” She answers. ‘She’s all right, Harry.”

It takes a few seconds for her words to sink in but she leans in towards him, resting her cold hands on his shoulder. Somewhere in the back of his mind he notices that she is mirroring his actions from the night before.

“Harry, it's ok. She is fine.” She says, peering up at him as she rubs his shoulder. Her hand may be cold but her touch is so comforting that he forgets everything for a second and leans into it, eyes closed and his heart beating wildly.

When he finally opens his eyes a minute later, she’s still looking at him, her expression of mild concern has turned into full on worry. He glances down at himself and propriety takes over as he realizes that he is bare-chested. He leans away from her and reaches for his discarded black shirt and slips it on.

“I’m sorry, Snow.” He says, “I umm… I didn’t mean to loose my cool about Jesse but I get so worried about her. She’s been taken from me once before….and well, you know.”

He turns around and finds her looking at the bottle of scotch on the nightstand. She looks back at him with a questioning gaze, her hands flying to her hips and he has seen that look so many times before that he actually feels a shred of guilt.

“Ok, why do I feel like I've been caught?” He says, hoping for some levity.

“Do you want to tell me what’s going on?”

He is irritated at her question- only because she seems to have caught on to his issues when he rather they remain a secret. He wonders if he could play it down or spin a tale, but she moves closer, crossing her arms over her chest and says, “ Why did you go to Gorilla City?”

He sighs, and sits down on his unmade bed with resignation.

“It was short-sighted of me, to say the least.”

“Yes, it was.” He looks up at her because she sounds a little stern. “You knew what they are like. You saw what Grodd could do on our Earth. It was ridiculous and dangerous and you…”

She looks down at the floor. When she looks back up at him, he can see the fear on her face. “You could have died.”

His heart, the traitor that it is, flutters hopelessly at her words.  
  
“But I didn’t.” He counters. He doesn’t like to see this look on her face, but her words ring in his ears. “Thanks to all of you.”

“I think…” He continues, after a moment of silence is passed between them. “I think I miss this. Working with Team Flash and doing something of actual significance. It’s hard to go back to working in a lab by yourself and endless meetings with your employees when you've done this.” He waves one arm, gesturing to the space around them. “I saw an opportunity to do something in Gorilla City and I went after it.”

“You could always come back, Harry.” Her voice is soft when she says that. It’s a quiet request and he realizes with utter surprise, one he is willing to comply with. If only she had asked him under different circumstances.

“You’ve already got a genius.”

She chuckles and he’s glad to see the serious expression leave her face. 

“Well, HR is hardly a genius but he is invaluable.”

“Really?” He scoffs. 

“As are you.”

He has to look away from her gaze. It feels dangerous to let himself be consumed by her words.

“He must be very annoying.” He clears his throat. He doesn’t have the patience to deal with HR.

“We’ve had worse.” She says and the twinkle in her eye tells him that she’s talking about him now.

“I hope he doesn’t hit on you too much?”

She lets out a laugh, tossing her hair over her shoulder and the dim light in the room hits her perfectly. He takes a mental picture because he knows how rare these moments are.

“No, thankfully he stopped that by his second day here.”

He smiles, trying to cover the involuntary clenching of his jaw. 

“Well, I just wanted to check on you. I’m heading to the cortex.” She halfway to the door when he gets up.

“Snow, wait.”

He’s been thinking about saying something to her ever since she mentioned trying to get rid of her powers last night and as she turns around, a curious look on her face, he thinks that this is as good a time as any. 

“I want to talk about your powers.”

He can see her visibly shrink into herself. Her arms come around herself and her face adapts into an expression she usually wears when she’s trying to not get too emotional. He takes in a breath and hopes that they can remain friends when they are done with this conversation.

“Don’t get rid of them.” He knows he is treading on dangerous ground but he is glad to see that she has made no move to run out of the room. “I know that you are terrified of turning into Killer Frost. But these powers are a gift.”

“No, they are not.”

“Snow, c’mon…” He huffs. “I have heard you tell Barry countless times that his powers are a gift, something special. So why are _your_ powers any different?”

“Because of the future.” She says, distress evident in her voice. “Because of what Cisco saw! He saw us fighting and I….”

She looks down and takes a breath, no doubt trying to compose herself. He moves towards her and she immediately takes a step back. It hurts- just the mere thought- that she doesn’t want him near her. It must show on his face as she looks up at him because her eyes widen instantly and she shakes her head.

“I lose control sometimes. I don’t want to hurt you.”

She’s looking away from him again but he’s already moving forward, before his mind is even made up. He’s standing much closer than he ever intended to but she-thankfully- doesn’t make a move.

“You won’t hurt me.” He’s not sure what made him say that but he knows, deep in his bones, that she would never hurt him. He’s glad he says it because she exhales in relief. He wonders how much Team Flash has done to assure her that she is not the monster she has convinced herself to be. 

“The future is not certain.” He keeps his voice calm and steady. “It is constantly changing. Nothing is set. You, of all people, know this.”

She stares somewhere past his head and he needs all her attention.

“Snow.” He waits until she looks him in the eye. “You need to have more faith in yourself. You are a good person- the best I’ve ever known. There is no shred of evil in you. You are not Killer Frost.”

She nods and he wonders how much she is actually digesting his words.

“What do you think I should do?” Her voice is so small and unsure, so very unlike herself that something in him breaks a little. 

“Do what you did with Barry. Learn about your powers. Train yourself. Just don’t throw away this gift.”

She looks shocked at his words as if the very thought had never even occurred to her and he finds that concerning. There has to be some point where one stops only thinking about others, right? He wonders if she knows that taking care of herself is an option too. 

She sags against the doorframe and looks up at him. “I don’t know if I have it in me.”

“Well, you will never find out if you get rid of your powers.” He replies. 

Much to his surprise, she lets out a chuckle, light and breathy. “You know, you are the first person to encourage me to use my powers.”

“Yes, I thought so.” He says, quietly.

“Everyone..” She continues. “Literally everyone has told me in one way or another, that I shouldn’t use my powers. Including my mother.”

“Your mother?” He doesn’t know much about her family, other than the fact that she had lost her father when she was very young. He had assumed that she didn’t have a mother since she never mentioned her. 

“Yes, I have one of those.” Her voice has taken a bitter tone and he can surmise that she has a complicated relationship with her mother. “I went to see her a few months ago. She was in fine form, criticisms and everything. But yes, I don’t know if I should take your advice, especially since it’s contrary to everyone else's.”

He runs a hand through his hair, briefly looking away from her. He’s almost convinced that he cannot reason with her until he looks back at her. She’s biting her lip as she always does when she’s worried and her eyes are large and dark with fear. She’s terrified, he can see that much.

“Don’t take my advice then.” He says, his voice is more gruff than he intends it to be. “But don’t take their advice either if this is something you don’t want to do. And don’t do this just because you are scared of becoming Killer Frost. Because if you do give up your powers, you might never get them back and....”

“What?” She asks him, quietly. He takes her in as she watches him with enamored attention. There is a loose curl resting against her temple and his hand flexes involuntarily, fighting the urge to lift it to her face. 

“Regret is much too heavy a burden to live with. Remember that.”

Her lips are almost quivering at his words and he hates that he’s brought her to the brink of tears. But she’s always been one to put on a brave front so she nods, drawing herself to her full length and tosses her hair over her shoulder.

“Uh...HR bought coffee for everyone. You should come and join us.” And with that she’s gone. He watches her walk away and wishes desperately for the ache in his chest to disappear with her receding steps. He’s convinced that she will not heed his advice. The fear is clouding her judgement and someone else is dangling hope of freedom in front of her. He feels frustrated at his inability to help her and he wonders if perhaps he just doesn’t hold that place in her life.

The bottle of scotch catches his eye and he reaches for it, as bitterness and longing settle into his being.


End file.
